American Power And Republican Humor Fail

In the past I've been quite vocal about my opinion that Republicans suck at humor and I usually emphasize the point by citing the classic example of Exhibit A. It's hard to say exactly why this is though. Does good comedy just require a more liberal mindset? Are most conservatives just a bit too uptight to adequately bring the funny? Or is it something much more ephemeral? My own theory is that most Republican attempts at comedy fail because, as with their political views, these guys seem to define themselves not by what they believe but instead by what they dislike, and the entire enterprise comes off as fairly hateful rather than being even halfway entertaining.

What is the point to all of this theoretical musing, you ask? Well, following the recent dust up with my conservative counterpart Donald Douglas over at American Power it seems that Don has committed one of the biggest mistakes a neoconservative blogger can make: He's now trying to be funny. Now I know what you're thinking: A lot of the stuff Don writes is positively hilarious, this latest endeavour should be pure comedic gold! Ah, but he wasn't actually trying to be funny all of those other times he's cracked us up, hilarious as they were. To put this in perspective, have you ever had a five-year-old try to tell you a joke? They totally suck at it; no timing, a limited vocabulary, stilted delivery, etc. Yet this same five-year-old can with it's next breath inadvertently spit out something that's so humorous you end up pissing yourself just a wee bit (pun intended) laughing about it.

I like to think of Don as the five-year-old of Republican humor, and unfortunately this is one of those times when the little guy's trying just way too hard. For those unfamiliar with the regular commenters around here, repsac3 is a fellow liberal blogger and the creator of American Nihilist, a straight up parody of Don's own site peopled with a motley crew of several other bloggers who share Reppy's basic political views and also find Don's writing as funny/tragic as I do. Repsac is the main target of Don's latest attempt at humor in which I think that perhaps he's now trying to duplicate the satirical tone I employed when writing my own two guest posts that Reppy plundered (with my flattered approval) for use at his site, as I did originally post them in the comment section of Don's blog.

Regardless, please now prepare yourselves for the rhetorically awkward and pitiably unfunny comedy stylings of Donald Douglas from his post "Comrade Repsac3: Commissar of State Security, People's Commissariat for Internet Affairs":

This is Comrade Repsac3, the USA People's Republic Netroots Commissar 1st Rank of State Security, Commissariat for Internet Affairs. Comrade Repsac3 grips feverishly to his sinecure as hardline enforcer for the USA radical left-wing netroots people's movement, the paramilitary base of the Democratic People's Party USA. Comrade Repsac3 models his program as akin to the notorious Lavrenti Beria, the CPSU's butcher of internal security from 1938 to 1946.

As internal security chief for the netroots party appendage apparatus, Comrade Repsac3 leads the Godless nihilist cadres in the left's purge of "Homophobic, Red Shirt, Bible Thumping Nazi, Gay Bashing, Tea Bagging, Racist, White Guy, Bigots."

Comrade Repsac3's shock troops include:

* Comrade Biobrain, State Chief for the Final Extermination of Truth.

*

James "Barebacker" Webb, Master Enforcer for the Annihiliation of Non-Hypocrisy.

* (O)CT(O)PUS: Netroots High Commissioner and Chief Breaker of Men, Supreme Enforcer of Internet Security and Conformity.

*

Truth101, Minister of Hate, Animal Bestiality Division.

The central organizational directive of atheist collectivists will stop at nothing to implement its totalitarian system of eradication of tradition and values. No one in conservative America is safe.

So, are your eyes watering and your sides splitting? Yeah, neither are mine. Sorry about that, and no: I didn't fuck up the bullet points; every word is in its original context. But while you weren't laughing did you notice that I scored the title of Master Enforcer? Not too shabby. I was gunning for Minister of Hate but since the only opening was in the Animal Bestiality Division (I'm no expert on the subject but isn't all bestiality "animal bestiality"? See, there's that inadvertent funny again) I'm satisfied with my new post.

Oh Don, you try so hard but unfortunately for you I grade on a steep curve so there will be no A's given out for effort on this assignment. I suggest sticking with hate-filled invective and gross exaggeration, particularly as they apply to your views on liberals, gays, atheists, minorities, the poor, etc. Go with what you know (and are at least somewhat good at) and leave the snarky humor to the professionals. Trust me: We know what we're doing.

I Am Once Again A Guest Blogger

It seems that those godless believe-nothings at American Nihlist have once again poached one of my late-night, Chardonnay-fueled rants left on my conservative counterpart's site American Power. I've reproduced the post below with newly added hyperlinks to better explain some of the more inside political and blog-centric jokes:

In the grand nihilist tradition of stealing from the rich (in this case, the intellectually & verbally rich) and giving to the poor (not that we ignorant nihilist trolls here are intellectually or verbally poor exactly, but...), I present another JBW offering that he accidentally posted somewhere other than it's natural habitat, here at AmNi.

This might be a good time to remind the esteemed author of Brain Rage that he's more than welcome to join us here at AmNi, where he can post such things more... "...willingly," should any others ever rattle his proverbial Brain Rage cage. (His writing is generally top notch... But when his balls itch in that particularly nihilistic way... I think you know what I'm sayin', here...)
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Attention neocons, Christian conservatives, Republicans and others who would foolishly resist that which Allah, Pelosi and the guys from that Queer Eye show hath wrought! Emperor Obama has once again transmitted a new list of commandments to myself and the other members of the Nihilistic Obamania Terrorist-appeasing Socialist Idolator (or N.O.T.S.I.; catchy, huh?) Brigade via telepathy. Yeah that's right, it's one of his powers now; he went all Syler on some medicine man in Nairobi a while back when he was there rehiding his super-secret and totally real original birth certificate. Good luck finding it now, suckers!

But for the immediate future cower before our liberal, then progressive for a while, then liberal again and now totally radical might! Your magical ability to successfully identify everyone with whom you disagree as a "socialist" or "postmodern nihilist" simply by having heard of these ideologies notwithstanding, the following decrees are to be enacted immediately:

-Recognizing that Democraticic (there will now be two "ic"s in the spelling of the Democraticic Party) "big government spendathons" are not nearly big enough to truly destroy our economy His Oneness has instructed that the thousands of gold statues of himself to be installed at the center of every city and town in America by the National Endowment for the Arts will now be constructed of solid cash (and then dipped in gold). Also, the word endowment will now be emphasised in that agencies name because he's a black guy (and if you laugh at that you're a dirty, stinking racist). But seriously: swinging to his knees.

-"Anything goes free-love values" are not only to be the norm from now on in the social sphere (which will be geometrically changed to a long thick social column, per the fine print in the last decree) but Bristol Palin will also now be in charge of the country's sex-ed programs (He's all about bipartisanship), instituting her "Stuff Happens" agenda with the aid of her inbred-but-lovable boyfriend and baby daddy, Levi. Also, all moose-on-buffalo love will be roundly encouraged as it acclimates the population to the eventual goals of The Onester's gay marriage agenda (the policy of diddling little boys currently being carried out by Catholic priests will also stay in place for these same reasons). How Santorum got ahold of that memo ahead of time is still a mystery.

-The current Democraticic Party's "terrorist appeasement" policy does not sufficiently endanger America and its citizens so from here on out not only will people who we totally know are terrorists be given immediate sanctuary and full immunity from prosecution but they will also be given an hour-long hot stone massage, a Vera Wang-designed Oscar gift bag and their choice of one target indicative and symbolic of "traditional" American values to crash a 747 or a plane of lesser size into. Keep your heads down.

-Lastly, to symbolically preempt any debates about America being a "center-right nation" all males are now required to wear their genitalia down their left boxer short leg as a reminder of Emperor Obama's extreme awesomeness. Briefs are now outlawed since decreased sperm production will just mean fewer unwanted teen pregnancies, per the fine print in the "Stuff Happens" legislation. Plus, abortionists gotta make their money too.

This will be the only time you will receive these instructions. Failure to comply will result in a decidedly non-honor beheading by a very dull and rusty sword swung by a gay vegetarian with a nervous tick; it won't be pretty. The recent attack on Phyllis Schlafly's hip during her visit to Berkeley was carried out as a warning to the rest of you non-non-believers and will be repeated as often as is necessary. She knows what she did.

The One-World, black helicopters are coming (once you're all in the camps they will be repainted with rainbows, of course). The "statist mandarins who have mainstreamed Marx's theories of class struggle into a hip postmodern ideology of anti-American multiculturalism and social-leveling big government" are gonna be all up in your collective grills. This is the change we've been waiting for! Obama! Nihilism! Wooo!

P.S.-The first run of Emperor Obama's new book: To Serve Babies will be coming out in stores this week. He'll be autographing copies at the West War Memorial Drive Borders book store in Peoria, Illinois this Friday from 6-9 pm. Bring the kids. The juicy, succulent kids. Nihilism! Eatin' babies! Wooo!
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"Borrowed" from: N.O.T.S.I. Decree, posted March 2, 2009 2:59 AM (AmPow time)

Again, I'm not holding my breath that Don will have anything to say about my liberal taunts. And again, I'm flattered that repsac3 has chosen to steal my stuff for his AmPo-taunting site. I may still join the motley crew at AmNi but to be honest I don't really plan these little outbursts; they usually just happen as a random yet direct result of Napa Valley. If only I could harness my powers to do good...

I Am A Guest Author

I was invited to join the American Nihilist (named tongue in cheek, of course) blog and have not yet done so but that has apparently not stopped me from becoming a guest blogger. repsac3 has reproduced my comments from one of my conservative counterpart's blog entries thusly:

(Is a writer considered a "guest author" if I cut & paste his words without asking?)

Well... It's too dang late now...

JBW of Brain Rage exposes the truth about Democrats and babies. It's on, people.
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"The Democrats want a war on babies. I cringe at the thought of just being around people like Katha Pollitt, and for my readers with infants and young children, hold your loved ones close - you might have one too many for the state-planning mandarins of the Obama-Pelosi new age."

Well said, Don! You're right to try scaring your readers with this; Pollitt speaks for the entire left and now you've exposed our diabolical plan: forced abortions for whomever Emperor Obama chooses! China was just the remote testing ground for our culling program but we long ago refined our baby-hating agenda and were just waiting for the go ahead from "The One" (that's the secret code-name we've given him; shh, don't tell anyone) to launch the operation.

But now that the secret is out enough messing around: I want every reader of this blog to register with the Obama White House posthaste, informing them of how many children you have, their age and weight (fat kids eat more) and whether you are more willing to embrace communism or nihilism as your family's new religion.

Oh, I almost forgot: you'll also need to report to your local mosque to receive an "O" tattoo around your right eye, a la X-men: Days of Future Past-style (Obama's a comic fanboy, after all). It'll incorporate a tiny bar code that will have to be laser-scanned several times a day once everybody except Muslims and atheists have been rounded up and placed in their respective camps; the shit part is that you'll be painfully yet temporarily blinded for awhile every time you're scanned but the really shit part is that this was done intentionally, so as to fulfill Emperor Obama's decree that every law now be enforced "in a dickish manner".

I've been made assistant precinct captain for the local Christian internment camp here in the Bay Area but I hope to be running my own precinct by Obama's first State of the Soviet Union address (yes, that's what you're going to have to start calling it now). So let's get moving, people! This is the change we've been waiting for! Obama! Nihilism! Wooo!

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(At least he doesn't let the baby out of the bath regarding "The One's" new book: To Serve Babies. I'm not sure the public is ready for that bit of "hope and change," yet. But soon, fellow nihilists... Soon.)

As far as I've seen, Don has not replied to my liberal taunts but I am eternally hopeful, and if you don't get many of the jokes about his site you can receive a healthy dose here. As far as being quoted without my permission: no worries, repsac3. I'm sure that I'll warm to your new venture as soon as I have the time to commit my energy. All the best, amigo.