I Don't Think Donald Douglas Likes Me...

In the grand and storied tradition of drawing the vehement ire of addled right-wing bloggers, be they young hotties, lipless newspapermen or shyster law profs, it seems that I've now drawn the same from a short, middle-aged, petulant community college poli-sci prof (with all due respect, of course). I am speaking of course about my oft referenced, and just as often mocked, conservative counterpart Don Douglas of American Power. Give it up, ya'll: He really tries hard, and it's extremely cute when he does so.

As regular readers may remember, I wrote a post yesterday entitled "American Power And Trig Palin "Ghoulshopping"" in response to Don's own post "Democratic Values! Left-Wing Alaska Operative 'Ghoulshops' Trig Palin!". Before writing the post I left a comment on Don's blog about his post but then decided to write my own in response, so I deleted my comment and left a link in his comment section, inadvertently making me an apparent "freaking hypocrite". Expound at fairly great length, you ask? Well, OK...

You see, Don had on more than one occasion left links to himself in the comment sections of my site that had absolutely nothing to do with their respective posts. I politely asked him to cease the practice after the first time he transgressed and even left his link up as a show of my benign benevolence and blogger solidarity. He returned the favor by committing the aforementioned verboten act a second time, for which I deleted his link and then emailed him the following:

I warned you once before Don when you shamelessly linked some post about your skateboarding youth on a completely unrelated comment thread at my site. I left that link up and made it clear that I would delete any future comments not at least tangentially relevant to their posts...

When I come to your site and promote my own posts on completely unrelated ones that you've written then feel free to talk shit to me. Until then, I'll keep my own council on the flexibility of MY posting rules at MY site.

The reason I post this admittedly dated email now is because it was quoted back to me today by Don as proof of my own apparently blatant hypocrisy in linking to myself at his site:

Looks like I've gotten under your skin a bit, James.

Hey, that's cool, but just so you know, you're a freaking hypocrite:

You wrote ...

Yadda, yadda, yadda. Now I've never actually looked up the definition of the word "hypocrite" in the dictionary because it's a pretty frequently used word within the English lexicon, so I was a bit confused as to why Don now claimed that it applied to myself in this situation. So I replied thusly:

You've not gotten under my skin one wit, Don. I just like pointing out your inanities for sport.

And I know it's cool but let me recap this supposed hypocrisy for you: I gave you shit for posting links to completely UNRELATED topics on posts at my site. My links today are to a post ABOUT YOUR POST that I left the links on. Please explain to me how adhering to the rules and standards I set for myself and others makes me a freaking hypocrite. I'm dying to hear this. Or better yet, do all of this publicly and hoist me on my own rhetorical petard for all to see.

I'm begging you to.

Now I've also never looked up the phrase "hoist me on my own petard" but I'm pretty sure that it doesn't mean "go apeshit crazy whilst accusing me of being gay". Oh, have I forgotten to mention that Don did indeed attempt to do exactly as I suggested? No? Well, prepare yourselves for a literary treat as you absorb the fairly inane yet highly entertaining ramblings contained within "James Webb, Atheist Hypocrite, Loves teh Gays" (I'm pretty sure that Don is wholly ignorant of the comedic irony of an individual such as himself using the Internet slang term "teh gays" but I'd hate to ruin his good time by pointing it out here).

Have you read it? Pretty good stuff, huh? Now normally I'd refute a discursive diatribe such as this with a point by point blogging technique known as fisking (see the linked examples in the first sentence of this post) but did you actually read the entirety of that disjointed screed? I counted almost four dozen exclamation points that were entirely original to the post itself, but in Don's defense he only went bold-faced type less than half a dozen times (restraint, thy name is Donald). Just consider yourself lucky that indignant, high-speed spittle can't travel digitally or else you and your keyboard would be considerably flecked with neoconservative foam at this point.

For those who might be confused by certain sections of Don's invective, while I'm obviously not gay I do advocate for gay rights on this site and in the comment section of Don's blog. I mention this because some of you might be wondering about the seemingly randomly attempted slur Don tries to impart to me by mentioning some gay Asian dude in relation to my site. Regular readers know that I'm a self-proclaimed atheist (something Don considers an affront to his one true god, apparently) and I have a link to the OUT Campaign in the right-hand column of this site. Anyone who's an atheist can join and add their site to the blogroll there, so Don found himself a gay Asian linking at the same site and has made an online hobby out of trying to smear me, in his eyes, by attempting to conflate our respective sexual preferences.

You see, to people like Don who are uncomfortable around gay people (despite desperately transparent protestations like: "some of my best friends are...") and are vehemently dedicated to denying homosexuals the same rights afforded to every other member of American society, calling another man, or even just intimating (in his own admittedly clumsy and rhetorically fumbling manner) that that man is gay, is an insult of the highest order. I myself understand this mindset better than most: I was born and raised in Texas. I recognize the sound of a bar stool being kicked back by some roided-up tough guy at the mere questioning of his sexual preferences better than I know my own mother's voice, and Don's own puffed-up chest and masculine insecurities would indeed reserve himself a primo spot at that theoretical shit-kicker bar. Shots are on me, Don (like a shot in your fucking mouth, you gay bitch!). Triple points to whomever gets that hilarious, yet highly relevant, movie quote.

So I guess that's it for my riposte to Don's meandering thrust (settle down, guy!) over my admittedly meager challenge to his intellectual prowess (I was at a bar with some friends earlier tonight and have just now started my second bottle of Chardonnay since arriving home). I suppose that many of you were pining for a bit more rhetorical blood lust but come on: it's Don Douglas! I consider all of this back and forth shot-trading to be merely good sport and fine entertainment, for those who are even interested. Also, I have it on good authority from a family member of his that he has considerable emotional baggage, for which I genuinely pity him and those around him.

Chin up, Don. I'm sure that you're far more intellectually resilient and emotionally stable than you appear online. God's speed (and by "God" I mean an impossibly powerful, imaginary character you like to believe is looking out for you and everyone you care about in this world, despite any and all empirical evidence to the contrary)... Have I mentioned that I'm an atheist? Aw, just accuse me of being a "godless nihilist" in a good-natured fashion once again and we'll call it even. Deal? Kisses...

[Update: How can I claim to be a soulless, socialistic atheist without shamelessly promoting any and every portrayal of myself online?
I like to fashion myself as an intellectual, airborne Eric Cartman (although the hair portrays me as more of a Frankenstein's monster than an infant; Jesus Sheeples, can't you at least get the hip, sporty do right?). Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.]

[Update II: Don delivers yet another masterstroke of rhetorical brilliance by...well, I guess by just calling me gay again only now I seem to have much better abs (and barely a dozen exclamation points; Don, I get the feeling that you're not even trying to over-punctuate anymore, although you do still loves yourself some bold-faced caps, huh?). From his scathing follow-up post "James "Barebacker" Webb":
Jesus, I wish I had the kind of willpower it takes to do that many crunches. For the uninitiated, "barebacking" is a term for having sex without a condom (which yes, I will admit to having done, stupidly on several instances depending on the chick in question) and has come to be used prevalently in the gay community as of late. So apparently a while back prolific online poster and friend of this blog Andrew Sullivan posted some kind of personal ad mentioning barebacking as well as "milky loads", two phrases that seem to have permanently emblazoned themselves upon Don's psyche judging by his own prolific use of them. Now they serve the singular function of blanket, catch-all insults that Don uses in lieu of reasoned rhetoric and actually clever stinging barbs.

He's also claimed to have unearthed another instance of egregious hypocrisy on my part by (only just now) pointing out that I address him by the shortened sobriquet "Don" whilst light-heartedly insisting that he include my middle initial when addressing me by my full name (I chose the "B" myself). Funny, it's just that after calling him Don hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times up to this point you'd think that he'd have mentioned it before and in Don's defense he and pretty much everyone else I've encountered online have always referred to me as "JBW" as that is how I sign my various posts and comments. He's only recently started to refer to me more formally, ostensibly because he no longer considers himself my "homie" anymore. It would appear that the man crush has ended, Truth101. Single tear...]

[Update III: It now seems that conservative and frequent commenter at Don's site Stogie from Saberpoint has purchased his own ticket to board Don's crazy train (or "joined the debate", as Don inadvertently jokes) by questioning the subtitle of my site and my self-identification as a Libertarian-Socialist (which, somewhat ironically, is what caused Don to first leave a comment on Brain Rage oh so long ago. Ah, memories *sniff*).

Now in Stogie's post "Jimmy B. Webb: What's a Libertarian-Socialist?" he not only has made a devastating photoshop stating quite imaginatively that "Socialism is for losers" but he then...wait a minute. I've seen your profile, you're a cartoon dog with a cigar! Who do I look like, Joe Camel? I can take being called gay by a pudgy community college prof but trading barbs with cancer-ridden, cartoon canines is where I draw the line. Good day to you, sir!]