Nothing But Tears

Johnson & Johnson have come out with a new product that I think will really toughen up my nieces and nephew:

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After decades of coddling young children, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new "Nothing But Tears" shampoo this week, an aggressive bath-time product the company says will help to prepare meek and fragile newborns for the real world.

A radical departure for the health goods manufacturer, the new shampoo features an all-alcohol-based formula, has never once been approved by leading dermatologists, and is as gentle on a baby's skin as "having to grow up and fend for your goddamn self."

..."You'll notice a difference after just one use," said Michelle Baker, head of new product development. "Whether it's your newborn's more hardened appearance, the way he now approaches people with guarded skepticism, or just that look on his face that says, 'Oh wait, maybe life isn't all hugs and kisses and rainbows. Maybe I need to get my fucking act together.'"

Added Baker, "Johnson & Johnson will kick your baby's ass into gear."

The last time I was at my sister's place her children were running around like a bunch of little kids without a care in the world, playing with toys and eating animal crackers; we're in two goddamn wars right now, people! The days of finger painting and crapping your pants are long gone. Looks like Uncle James just found what they're getting for Christmas this year; I'm sure they'll thank me when they're older.