Touchdown Jeebus Wins Fantasy Week 3

I'm not trying to brag or anything but I totally killed my fantasy football league this week (OK, I'm bragging just a bit), and the Dallas Cowboys finally put one in the win column. This is me smiling.

2 Minutes Of Parkour

Because I can't get enough of this stuff:


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Are You Ready For Some Football?

OK, it was only the first preseason game and it wasn't even that exciting but it was football! Real live American football, with pads and helmets and shit! It's been a long five months, I don't mind telling you...

Football Player Celebrates By Playing Soccer

I have a buddy from Croatia who always says, "You call it 'football' but you carry it in your hands the whole time". Maybe this will appease him (even if it's Canadian):


(hat tip: one L bill)

Something Someone Else Said

"Pick something that you pay no attention to. For my dad, I always suggest NASCAR. My dad has read a sports page every day since he was a little kid; he still gets (as do I) a real, honest-to-goodness local newspaper on his front porch every morning. He must have seen the names of NASCAR drivers thousands of times, but odds are he's only stopped to read a story if it had something in the headline that really caught his attention (someone from the Bronx, or Jewish, or both, might do it). If you asked him to name a NASCAR driver he'd probably look at you as if you were nuts...but if you named some of them, he'd probably recognize the names. The idea is that lots and lots of people have about that level of knowledge about most of what happens in politics. It's just background noise. We, the people who write and read political blogs, and watch debates, and pay attention to politics even in the off season --we're the minority." -Jonathan Bernstein, A plain blog about politics.

The analogy of NASCAR drivers is an apt one for me. Even when I got a paper back in the day I always found the sports section extremely boring and rarely read it but because of SportsCenter on ESPN my knowledge level of NASCAR is similar to that of Bernstein's father. I have to say that if the average American's knowledge of politics is indeed comparable to my own ignorance about NASCAR then it's no wonder we wallow in this perpetual cycle of electing corrupt politicians to a bloated inefficient bureaucracy. I mean, George W. Bush actually got reelected after all of the stupid shit he did during his first term in office. If that doesn't indicate that most Americans aren't paying attention to the actions of their elected officials then I don't know what does. It's lines of thought like this that scare me into considering the possibility that Sarah Palin just might be able to win the presidency someday: because lazy, ignorant people vote. Busch/Earnhardt Jr. in 2012!

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Bienvenidos a Miami, Lebron...

Finally. OK ESPN, could you please find something else to talk about now? This entire process has been epically boring and the salaries these guys are pulling in are just ridiculous. When does NFL training camp start already?

TDS: Into Africa - Two Teams, One Cup

Englishman John Oliver of The Daily Show visits the US World Cup training camp as the team prepares to play its first match against the mincing crumpet nibblers of England:

And then there's this:

Leaked diplomatic correspondence between Washington and London has revealed the latest bump in the so-called “special relationship” -- a high stakes wager between ambassadors over the outcome of their teams’ World Cup clash, The Times writes in its Wednesday edition.

Louis Susman, the American Ambassador to London, approached his British counterpart in Washington through a staff intermediary to offer a bet on the outcome of Saturday’s game between England and the United States.

“We will understand if you decline, given the outcome of the last such encounter,” Philip Breeden, the American press secretary in London gibed.

Martin Longden, his counterpart in Washington, protested ignorance. “Since the history of English football is long and extensive, in contradistinction to U.S. soccer, I regret that I cannot immediately recall the encounter to which you refer.

"No doubt it is remembered fondly on these shores; we have quite forgotten it, however.”

Longden proposed the terms of the wager: dinner at a Washington DC steakhouse if England triumphs; supper at a London pub on Ambassador Nigel Sheinwald’s dime if the U.S. is the winner.

Breeden accepted, reminding Longden of the outcome of last Anglo-American encounter at the World Cup: a 1-0 victory for the U.S. in Brazil.

Longden would not be deterred. “You should know that the Ambassador takes his steak like American soccer victories — somewhat rare,” he retorted.

Damn. That's cold. Alright Britain, it's on now. USA! USA! US... Wait a minute, this is still a soccer game. I'll just watch the highlights on Sportcenter.

Dropping In From The Eiffel Tower

I tried to walk down a flight of stairs in a pair of Rollerblades once and almost killed myself doing it. This is pretty much what it looked like:


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World Cup: Write The Future

I still think soccer is boring but this sports star-packed Nike commercial heralding the upcoming World Cup makes it appear slightly less so:


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Obama Plays HORSE With Clark Kellogg

I'd only seen the "wap" shot from this video of President Obama playing HORSE (or POTUS, in this case) with CBS Sports college basketball analyst and former NBA player Clark Kellogg on cable news until today. I've always said that I'd like to go bar hopping with George W. Bush and cruise chicks with Bill Clinton; I'm thinking that shooting around and chatting with Barack Obama would be pretty cool too:

You Run Really Slow Compared To Everyone

As a white person I'm embarrassed but not surprised:


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NFL AFC/NFC Championships Today

No time for blogging today (yes, yes, I know, I didn't blog yesterday either but I was busy and I've been trying really hard to write more lately so sue me), the AFC and NFC championships are on. I'm calling the New Orleans Saints as the 2010 Super Bowl champs right now; we'll see if history agrees with me.

Dallas Cowboys Playing The Minnesota Vikings

No time for blogging today! My beloved Dallas Cowboys are playing the Minnesota Vikings for the right to go to the NFC championship game against the New Orleans Saints next week. Admittedly I'm a little worried since the Vikes are one of the best teams in the NFL with one of the best quarterbacks to ever play the game at their helm but if there was any time during this somewhat shaky season that I felt confident in the Boys it's right now. They're coming off of back to back spankings of their division rivals the Philadelphia Eagles and they're looking better than they have all season.

So since I don't believe in jinxing I'll say that I'm actually feeling good about their chances today but talk to me around 1 pm Pacific time just in case. Depending on my mood by then I might put up some posts later today but only after the second game. True, the Boys won't be playing in that one but even though I'm an atheist I'm also a Texan, which means that watching NFL football on Sundays is my equivalent of going to church. All hail Saint Romo and go Cowboys! Hallelujah!

[Update: That was sad and pathetic (and I really hate that fucking Viking victory horn they kept blowing). Minnesota's defense is a ravenous beast that totally enveloped Romo and his offense for the majority of that game. Good luck New Orleans, you're gonna need it.]

Picture Of The Day

You have got to be fucking kidding me. I liked skydiving but it was quite thrilling enough without dangling by one arm like a damn lunatic. Cool pic though...

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I Don't Think God Likes Colt McCoy...

I just got finished watching the Texas Longhorns and the Alabama Crimson Tide play for the BCS college football national championship. It was a great game between the top two teams in the country (I took the day off from work to watch it and yes, as a graduate of Texas A&M I might have been rooting against Texas just a bit) and although Alabama ultimately won the night I thought that both teams put forth a valiant effort.

So I was watching the obligatory post-game interviews of coaches and players when Texas' starting quarterback Colt McCoy (yes, people in Texas give their kids names like "Colt"; have you met my twins: Smith and Wesson?), who got injured on the fifth play of the Longhorns' first offensive drive of the first quarter and had to sit out pretty much the entire game, was asked, "What was it like for you to watch this game, your last game in a Longhorn uniform, from the sideline?" As he tried multiple times to answer this obvious yet pointless question, choking up more than once in the process, after one of the most devastating disappointments of his life on national television I was really feeling bad for the kid. He finally squeezed out some words about loving the game of football, wishing he could have played tonight and gave praise to his backup quarterback and the skills displayed by the other team. Classy. And then he said something that made me feel a little more sorry for him:

I always give God the glory. I never question why things happen the way they do. God is in control of my life, and I know if nothing else I'm standing on the rock.

Really? So let me get this straight: You've been playing football pretty much your entire life. You obviously love the game and it is among your great passions. You spent every summer you can remember running through two-a-day practices in the brutal Texas heat. You won all kinds of awards and distinctions as one of the best high school quarterbacks in the state, and you went on to do the same in college. After your team won a national championship when you were red-shirted your freshman year, you led them to four winning regular seasons leading up to this: the last game of your college career and it's for the national championship. This game was the culmination of everything you've fought and worked for your entire life... and five plays in, God decided He didn't want to let you play. And you're cool with that?

This is one of many reasons why not only can I not believe in a god, but also why I don't want to. I fail to understand the satisfaction or comfort derived from believing that there is an all-powerful being out there who has the ability to take something this important away from a person, without any apparent reason and seemingly on a whim. And yes, I've heard: "He works in mysterious ways". So do ninjas, but I would never willingly cede them control of my life. Of course, McCoy is going to move on to a career in the NFL where he'll make tens of millions of dollars and have his pick from a Tiger Woods-sized bevy of hot chicks so perhaps there is something to his faith but personally, I'd still need more proof than that. But I'm a cynic, so there you go.

NFL To Fine Players For Getting Concussions

I guess it was only a matter of time:

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced a stricter league concussion policy at a press conference Sunday, finalizing a provision that would automatically charge a fine of $10,000 to any player who suffers a concussion. "Concussions have become a serious problem in the lives of current and former NFL players, and the only way to nip this thing in the bud is to make the players accountable," Goodell said. "Ten thousand dollars for the first concussion, $30,000 for the second, and $70,000 for the third. Hopefully these fines will make our players think twice before they have their brains jostled against the insides of their skulls." Goodell later added that the league is also considering harsher punishments for more serious injury-related behavior, saying that players who sever their spinal cords would face indefinite suspension and, in most cases, be stripped of their pensions.

Serves them right for risking their physical and mental health just so we can be entertained on Sundays. Selfish jerks.

Picture Of The Day

Kind of reminds me of these guys atop the Empire State Building. And once again I'll say: no thanks.

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An Idea: Bad Boy Kickers

I just watched the Oakland Raiders come back to win against the Cincinnati Bengals by a last minute field goal and I had a thought: I'd love to see a bad boy kicker in the NFL, a real arrogant asshole kinda like Terrell Owens. He'd be constantly bragging about what an incredible kicker he was and trash talking other kickers when he was off the field, like calling them Ray Finkle. He'd do stupid show boat shit like run through the end zone after a kick, grab the ball, pull a Sharpie from his sock, sign the ball and then drop kick it into the stands. He could even wear a different right shoe every week decorated with war paint. I think a guy like that would be hilarious.

Michael Jackson: Remember The Time

I post this with no other impetus than that I was thinking of Michael the other night and wanted to watch it. On that note: Iman was perfect for this role. Eddie Murphey, not so much, and his headdress is completely ridiculous. Magic obviously gets a pass:

I miss ten minute videos like this.

Incredible 9 Year Old Hockey Prodigy Goal

I was just watching SportsCenter and saw this highlight of a 9 year old scoring an incredibly skillful goal on some other poor kid during intermission at an NHL game. Amazing: