TCR: Salvatore Giunta

I've been reading about and watching this guy all week after he became the first living soldier to be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor since the Vietnam Conflict and he's always been the very definition of humility. We need to find some way to clone Giunta whilst imprinting his sense of duty and bravery upon the DNA:

Touchdown Jeebus Wins Fantasy Week 3

I'm not trying to brag or anything but I totally killed my fantasy football league this week (OK, I'm bragging just a bit), and the Dallas Cowboys finally put one in the win column. This is me smiling.

127 Hours Trailer

The amazing story of Aron Ralston, a man of more grit, determination and badassery than you and I will ever possess:


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Picture Of The Day

England is trying to choose a new Prime Minister today. This is how you vote:

Voters arrive at the Hare and Hounds pub which is being used as a polling station on May 6, 2010 in Corsham, England. Vote early. Vote often. Vote drunk!

So we fought for and won our independence from these guys a couple hundred years ago so I could vote in a Catholic church while they get to vote in their pubs. Somehow it lessens the victory.

[Update: Andrew Sullivan adds the following about Britain's electoral rules:

Yes, you can vote drunk and you can bring your dog with you into the polling booth. You are also fully entitled to scrawl on your ballot terms like "Fuck The System!" What a civilized place.

Have I mentioned that they get to vote in their pubs? Civilized, indeed.]

[Update II: One of his readers responds:

So those lucky bastards in Merry Ole England can vote drunk? At a pub, no less? While we poor unlucky bastards here in Indiana (who voted on Tuesday) can’t even BUY alcohol on election day

Alcohol is served in restaurants and bars on Monday through Saturday from 7 a.m. to 3 a.m. and from 10:30 a.m. to 12:30 a.m. on Sundays.

Alcoholic beverages can be purchased from private retail package stores, and beer and wine can be bought in grocery stores, convenience stores, and drug stores. No alcohol is sold on Christmas Day and Election Day.”

If you don't need a drink on both Christmas Day and Election Day you obviously haven't been living in America lately.]

TDS: Bernie Goldberg Fires Back

I was watching The O'Reilly Factor a few days ago when Bernie Goldberg went off on Jon Stewart and at the time thought to myself, "I know Stewart is going to respond to this but I wonder what he'll say?" As always, he didn't disappoint:

Obama Plays HORSE With Clark Kellogg

I'd only seen the "wap" shot from this video of President Obama playing HORSE (or POTUS, in this case) with CBS Sports college basketball analyst and former NBA player Clark Kellogg on cable news until today. I've always said that I'd like to go bar hopping with George W. Bush and cruise chicks with Bill Clinton; I'm thinking that shooting around and chatting with Barack Obama would be pretty cool too:

Picture Of The Day II

I'm doing my part. Cthulhu bless America.

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Health Care Bill Passes, America Undestroyed

Finally.

It passed in the House 219-212. Yes, it got fairly ugly and the Democrats will definitely lose some congressional seats this fall (the pendulum of history shows that the party in power almost always does in midterm elections so don't read too much into that, i.e. dissatisfaction with health care reform) but I'm now officially giving the Republicans only 4:1 odds of gaining a majority of either house of congress come election day. Despite everything that party's been screaming over the past fourteen months polls show that the majority of Americans want the changes that were passed today and I'm thinking that the wave of the right's outrage might've crested a bit too early at this point. Plus running on a platform of taking away everyone's new health care coverage and consumer protections isn't exactly a winning strategy. We'll find out in November.

Reclamation Of Flight 1549 From The Hudson

A time lapse video of the recovery of Flight 1549 which crash landed in the Hudson river last year in the middle of New York City, piloted (and all lives aboard saved) by Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger. The coordination and effort it took to do this in these icy conditions is truly impressive:


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Cowboys Win On Monday Night

It wasn't a scorefest and a lot of the tackling was butt ugly but the Boys did control most of the game, pulling off their first win in their new billion plus dollar house. They're heading to Mile High to face undefeated Denver next week, who's quarterback Kyle Orten is in my fantasy league (in addition to Dallas wide receiver Roy Williams, pictured above) so I'm hoping for a high scoring game that eventually leaves the Cowboys victorious. Gotta get them fantasy points, people!

How To Beat Up Anything

A humor website that is "A guide to fighting anything. Bullies, politicians, robots, even future-versions of yourself, back to harass you about your life choices". Being a huge Batman fan I've always wondered how best to take him out. It was a bit more psychological than I would have imagined:

Let me ask you something, are you determined? Really truly single-minded in the pursuit of your goals?

Cause that’s what it’s going to take to beat the Batman. The bad news is this process will take ten years. The good news is, at the end of those ten years, you’ll have taken out the goddamn Batman. That’s a nice little detail to have on your resume.

Step 1: Forget about fighting him. Seek him out and befriend him. Become his pal. Be “there” for him. Get to the point where he’s relied on you and trusts you with his life. Occasionally, do things to reassure him. Point a projectile weapon at him and say, “I’m going to murder you.” Then pretend to shoot him, and say, “Nah, I’m just joking” then hand him back the weapon. Maybe even say, “But I could have…” Now, it’s going be hard, but do your best to say this last part without menace. DON’T let your gaze harden and then drop your head, while eyeballing him in a malevolent manner. If a camera zooms in for a close-up and possible freeze frame on your scowling countenance, push it away. Just try to keep it light. “But I could have… LOL! Who wants lunch?” Like that. Also, avoid repeating lines with an inappropriate intensity. For example, he picks up the tab for the aforementioned lunch and says, “You can get me next time.” Do not mutter, “Oh I’ll get you alright. I’ll definitely... get you… next time.”

On the last day of your tenth year as friends ask him to come over to your desk to help you with a computer game. He may balk at [t]his, as he’s not known as a computer game expert, but be firm, insist he take a look at the screen. “Why not ask him to help you with something he is knowledgeable about?” you ask? I’m sorry, WHO’S GIVING THE TUTORIAL HERE, YOU OR ME? That’s right.

Step 2: When he leans on your desk to get a look at the screen, quickly snatch his wrist, then stand and pivot. Using your superhuman strength hurl him through the roof of the building. Then quickly fly through the hole his body created, shoot him [with] your heat-vision, then grab him and huck him into the fiery Sun.*

*You must be Superman for this tactic to succeed. I hope that part was clear.

There's always a catch. I also especially liked "How To Beat Up a Tyrannosaurus Rex and Actor Mark Wahlberg". He talks to animals, you know.

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Tom Arnold: Political Pugilist

Yes, that Tom Arnold. The one who fucked Rosanne. Yes, Rosanne:

Not to put too fine a point on it, but Tom Arnold is not exactly known as a towering intellect. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's a very nice man; he's certainly built a pretty decent career in a notoriously difficult industry, no small feat. But when you think of politically astute Hollywood types, Tom Arnold isn't exactly the person that comes to mind.

Clearly, Hannity assumed that Arnold is a Republican (I'm guessing that Hannity's researchers got no further than a picture of Tom Arnold endorsing Arnold Schwarzenegger for Governor, since Tom has publicly said he's a Democrat), because I can't imagine Hannity asking a Democrat on.

But the multi-millionaire Hannity (who is so out of touch with everyday Americans he insists that ham costs on 79 cents/pound) didn't count on the former meat packer from Iowa whose whole act centered around being a common man actually championing policies that help the average American, instead of the corporate oligarchy.

This takes Arnold up several notches on my respectometer (and I already love True Lies):


Oh yeah, no fraud and abuse in the private sector. The main (and openly stated) goal of practically every corporation in the country is to make as much money as possible, first and foremost, above all other considerations. But yeah, no fraud and abuse. And since when are U.S. citizens not allowed to sue their government? It happens all the time. And what Hannity says is mostly true: We don't deny people health care because of their inability to pay. We just allow corporate America to squeeze them dry for the rest of their lives if they find themselves in an emergency medical situation where they're not covered by insurance.

Now, is our government perfect or relatively free from the aforementioned fraud and abuse? Of course not, and I wouldn't expect a government run health care system to be either one of these things but just take an honest look at the numbers. We're the richest, most powerful country on the face of the planet, right now and all the way back through recorded history. And 45 million of us have no health care coverage at the dawn of the 21st century. Something has to change.

Cracking The Colonel's Secret Recipe

Forget the Lost Ark, the Holy Grail and even the Crystal Skulls. This is a discovery of historical significance:

The obsession started years ago after a challenge from his wife: Could finance manager Ron Douglas, an avid cook and Kentucky Fried Chicken fan, really crack the code to the best-kept culinary secret in the country? After several attempts, the Long Island, N.Y., man says he may know the 11 herbs and spices in KFC’s recipe — and now he's sharing the secret with the world.

Douglas, 34, began his quest by searching the Internet for clues to the recipe. He found that there were thousands of people looking for directions to help them duplicate their favorite restaurant meals at home. In answer to their prayers, he started the Web site recipesecrets.net...

...The decision has so far paid off: Douglas scored a deal with Simon & Schuster, which published his "America's Most Wanted Recipes" earlier this month. The book includes a recipe for KFC's 11 herbs and spices — which Douglas says he discovered after six attempts.

"The exact recipe has never been released," Douglas admitted, "but mine comes really, really close. I kept trying, and with the help of the online community, we figured out a recipe that's so good most people can't tell the difference".

I just fried up a whole mess of catfish a couple of nights ago so I may wait a bit before I try this out but trust me, it's gonna happen. Here's the list:

— 1 teaspoon ground oregano

— 1 teaspoon chili powder

— 1 teaspoon ground sage

— 1 teaspoon dried basil

— 1 teaspoon dried marjoram

— 1 teaspoon pepper

— 2 teaspoons salt

— 2 tablespoons paprika

— 1 teaspoon onion salt

— 1 teaspoon garlic powder

— 2 tablespoons Accent

As a KFC aficionado/addict I'm eminently qualified to judge the veracity of Douglas' claims. I'll let you all know how it turns out.

Picture Of The Day

That sound you just heard was Bill O'Reilly's head exploding. Welcome aboard, Senator.

[Update: Incidentally, I've had this admittedly short post typed up and ready to go for months now. Nice to finally air it out.]

President Obama Channels Mr. Miyagi

I don't know if I'd necessarily call this "Breaking News" but it's entertaining nonetheless:


Next time he'll have to try it with chopsticks.

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[Update: Now this is just ridiculous:

The group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants the flyswatter in chief to try taking a more humane attitude the next time he's bedeviled by a fly in the White House.

PETA is sending President Barack Obama a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher, a device that allows users to trap a house fly and then release it outside.

"We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals," PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich said Wednesday. "We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals."

For killing a fly. Look PETA, I sympathize with some of your causes and I think that you are actually doing some good work preventing animal abuse in many cases but it's saying and doing stupid shit like this that keeps a lot of people from taking you seriously.]

Curing The Hiccups

I just got the hiccups for about ten minutes whilest drunkenly practicing my juggling (don't ask) and tried several methods for ridding them before I found the advice on this website. Needless to say, they are now gone. I strongly endorse following this advice whenever you are in hiccup peril from now on. It works.

Picture Of The Day

Not being a Democrat I'll admit that I'm no advocate of one-party rule but I have to say that seeing the obstructionist card being erased from the Senate is a welcome sight, especially with my man Al Franken waiting in the wings up in Minnesota. Here's hoping that the Democratic Party doesn't eventually fuck it all up. Keep 'em crossed.

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Capitalist Pranks Hippie

The Invisible Hand knows how to hug:


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Liberal Blogger Pwns Tea Baggers

Now this is how you tea bag, baby:


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[Update: The Daily Show's John Oliver uncovers the awful truth that the Obama administration is apparently worse than the oppressive British government we rebelled against after our first tea party (the actual grassroots one) and he's not happy about it:
]

Pilot Lands Plane With Only One Wing

This pilot performing at an air show loses a wing and amazingly is able to pull off a perfect landing. Sully doesn't have anything on this guy:


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[Update: It has been brought to my attention that this is a digitally manipulated viral video, and I become just a bit more cynical. Is nothing cool on the Internets real?]