"WHEN FASCISM COMES TO AMERICA IT WILL BE WRAPPED IN THE FLAG
AND CARRYING A CROSS." -SINCLAIR LEWIS

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Donald Douglas Wants To Kill My Hate Monkey

I don't believe this! What kind of a country do we live in where an "evil" neoconservative blogger like my conservative counterpart Donald Douglas of American Power can openly and wantonly threaten the life of an innocent liberal-attack-hate-monkey like Thade in his post "Blacks as Monkeys? Even When Leftists Hit Bottom, They Keep Digging" and get away with it? That's not the America I grew up in, and I'm not sure if it's an America that I can continue to live in.

For those just joining us, Don saw a picture of Thade acting out his version of male simian dominance towards himself in one of my posts. Now while he originally took this as a threat of violence from myself I assured him that Thade was flexing his monkey nuts of his own accord and that if Don wanted to tussle with him (Don was also flexing his own human nuts in response) that Thade had insisted that they fight by "monkey rules" which...

OK, I'm going to step out of my comedic voice for a second to address the absolute absurdity of Don professing that I was actually threatening him with violence by a fictional hate monkey (whatever the hell that is) or that I would ever intimate that Don was indeed the monkey I was referring to. In fact, as someone who majored in Anthropology in college it has pained me to no end to even keep referring to Thade as a monkey rather than an ape but the word "monkey" is obviously funnier so I've done so thus far and have tried to use the word as much as possible for comedic effect. And when I myself imagine having to fight a monkey the funniest/scariest thing I can think of would be that the monkey would hurl his feces at me. Now of course it would never occur to me to hurl my own feces back at him as a defense, and neither have I suggested that Don would have done the same in his fictional monkey battle with Thade.

But this latest cry of outrage from Don also illustrates the inherent mindset of victimology and persecution that he has cultivated, and which I've decried, since the outset of our little spat. If someone photoshops a baby into someone else within the context of making fun of that person, to Don they're obviously making fun of the baby instead and therefore hate and want to retroactively abort all handicapped children. If someone makes a joke about a neocon who's puffing up his chest at the prospect of a fight comedically fighting a poop flinging monkey, they're obviously calling the neocon a poop flinging monkey instead and are therefore racist and want to denigrate all black people.

As explanation for those not in the know, Don has mentioned on occasion that he is of mixed race and most decidedly not white. OK, that's cool with me. Now, of which races is Don's racial identity composed? I have no idea. None. He seems to be saying that he's part black in his last post so I'll believe him (although he's given me ample evidence to doubt the veracity of anything he says up to this point). Personally, I always thought that he looked more Hispanic than anything else and the name "Donald Douglas" itself provides few cultural clues, so I've honestly never really given it much more thought than that. I just didn't care. Of course all of these points are rendered moot by the fact that I never called him a monkey in the first place, although he seemed to have no such compunctions about calling me (admittedly a white dude) a "hate monkey" before I created the fictional Thade to redirect the insult.

Don ends his post with the following:

Enough is enough!

This pissing contest has gone on long enough. I am again calling on James B. Webb to issue a full apology to me. I will publish it here in a new post. This debate began almost two weeks ago, when Mr. Webb attacked the "
everyday stupidity of right-wing religious neoconservatives." Now it's time for him to have the last word. I confess honestly myself right here: Sure, I like to debate and tussle online, and I admit that I'm pretty zealous in defending against attacks as a "stupid" neocon extremist. And things have gotten pretty ugly too.

So, now James can show he's a gentleman. James B. Webb can end it here with a full apology for his "blacks as monkeys" slur (see, "
Blacks as Monkeys? It's Time For An Adult Conversation"). I will accept his apology and we all can move on.
Actually, I only attacked the "everyday stupidity of right-wing religious neoconservatives" in response to Don attacking the "everyday demonology of left-wing secular progressives" first but I'm not going to split hairs. And that's really big of him to demand an apology for something I never said and then offer to graciously accept it. But here goes: I'm sorry, Don. I'm sorry that you seem to take yourself and the rest of the world so seriously that you have no discernable sense of humor to speak of. I'm also sorry that you can not grasp the concept that a handicapped person could be included even tangentially in a joke about someone else without that handicapped person being the butt of the joke, nor that you can not grasp that a black person who doesn't look obviously black by most objective measurements and rarely identifies himself as such could be included in a joke about fighting a fictional monkey without that black person also being called a monkey. I like handicapped people, neoconservatives, black people and monkeys and I call many from every group friends. I'm sorry that you can't view the world without confusing several of these hominids in your blindingly righteous indignation.

At this point I had originally planned to slip back into my comedic voice to continue my faux rant against Don for posting the New York Post editorial cartoon about police officers murdering a chimp, implying that he was now threatening my own fictional hate monkey with monkeycide but I've somehow lost my zeal for this whole war. It appears that in addition to being accused of being gay (yeah, snark Don; I get it...) I am now also apparently a homophobe and a racist, all because I made some jokes about an uptight neoconservative windbag. Readers can decide for themselves as to whether I'm a gentleman as well. You win Don, and you even finally got your apology. You got me [falling over dead]. Adieu.

[Update: Don has posted my "apology" along with a few emails from his readers insulting me and complaining about his posts about me. Apparently I'm being blamed for Don's obsession and inability to keep from writing about me. So be it. The people too blind to see what really happened this past week are already too far gone to waste time explaining it to them.

I'll say this: This whole encounter has definitely opened my eyes. I knew from the outset that Don had a propensity for ignoring facts and proven points but I never dreamed that he was capable of the levels of cognitive dissonance and intellectual dishonesty displayed towards me over the course of this little war. I'm aware that I could probably win some arguments by employing his tactics as well but at the end of the day I would just feel like a damn liar.

I truly doubt his professed ability to leave this side of himself out of the classroom. How could someone who has convinced himself of the truthfulness of the things he's accused me of ever have the self-awareness to make that distinction? One of these sides of his personality is obviously far out of whack, I just hope for the sake of his students that the personality we've seen here today is that side.

On a lighter note: Can I get a "Hell yeah!" for that fridge door photoshop? It's one of my most favoritest things I've ever posted here and I thought that it was pretty fucking hilarious. Just saying.]

[Update II: I was just reading some of the comments on Don's post. Most of these people are as deluded as Don, it's like they were reading a whole other blog war. Sad, and a tad worrisome.]

16 comments:

Kevin Robbins said...

Wow, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and a monkey is just a monkey. Besides which, I thought the monkey in the picture was the monkey and Don was Don (presumably human).

magpie said...

I like the motif of the monkeys on Thade's breastplate. I never noticed that before.

The Original David said...

Wow.

Green Eagle said...

Sir,

You fail to understand that, to those bred on years of fear of negores, communists, furriners, small distant countries who are a threat to our very existence, women who run their own lives, people who believe against all evidence that taxes can sometimes be used for good things, and above all, teh gay, hate monkeys can be a truly frightening prospect.

Where is your vaunted liberal empathy, when someone really needs it?

BD said...

Props for the Ray Finkle bit. And Hello Kitty is priceless.

JBW said...

Green Eagle, I empathize with Don in the same way I empathize with a few of my ex-girlfriends: I know they're crazy in the head and I want to feel sorry for them but their outrageous behaviour prevents me from actually giving a damn.

JBW said...

Thanks, BD. Along with the Reagan heads, those were my favorites as well. Also, I finally got to teabag Sarah Palin. Life is good.

Unknown said...

Dude...

You know this Sarah Palin resigning thing is all your fault, right...

If only you'd stopped making fun of Donald Douglas sooner, before causing his whole world to shatter into pieces like this...

You and that liberal hate monkey you're always pallin' around with ought to hang your heads in shame...

Kevin Robbins said...

I was going to compliment the photoshop except for your obvious mocking of Reagan's Alzheimer's by putting his head on beefcake. How this is obvious, I don't know, but it is. I'll Don explain it.

JBW said...

And I'm sure Don would find a way, ex DLB. Thanks.

Benjamin Blattberg said...

Of course I like the Colbert Report, but sometimes, I feel like the joke is more on the unlikeability of the rightwing windbags (O'Reilly, Limbaugh, etc.), and not enough on the unlikeability of the rightwing ideas and talking points.

Which was sort of my feeling at this whole back-and-forth between Don and you, JBW--in my eyes, Don comes off as genuinely unlikeable, but I'm still left unsatisfied because his personal issues don't help us discuss the policy issues.

But, raising a glass, here's to you, for keeping cool under fire (for "fire" read "being attacked as a homosexual").

(Addendum: when someone says NTTAWWT ("Not that there's anything wrong with that"), do you get the feeling that that's not what he feels? I mean, every time I hear someone say "I don't want to sound like a racist," I know they're going to sound like a racist. I try to take people at their word, but it's harder when that word is "NTTAWWT.")

one L bill said...

Man, I have a really hard time reading these American Power diatribes. I don't know what makes them different than your politico-general rants.

JBW said...

If you don't know Don or read him regularly I would assume that it makes them harder to read. That was one of the reasons for my apology in "American Power Powers Down".

The Original David said...

Ben JB makes a very good point and one that is too often lost.

The professional hate merchants like Limbaugh, Coulter, Sharpton and Rev. Wright are playing to a paying audience, so it's hard to know what they believe in their hearts and what they say to sell their brand. Likewise, I think that Don is probably not quite as stupid and crazy as he comes off online. It's clear that he'd like to be something more than he is and that he sees his blog as a vehicle for getting to where ever that may be. But Don's brand of crazy is not very far out compared with the people that Fox puts on the air 24 hours a day. He's not likely to incite any domestic terrorism.

But a lot of discussion seems to focus on Don and to talk about him as though he's an important representative of (neo)conservatism or of the Republican Party, which he isn't. He's just another yahoo with a blog. (Sorry, but...) Most of the folks at PNAC are neither stupid nor crazy, whether or not one agrees with their ideas. Unlike Don's their ideas have real impact and should be taken seriously and engaged with, no matter how strongly one may disagree with the ideas themselves.

That Kristol is the hand up Palin's ass makes Palin something more than just a late night comedy punch line. Just look at W to see how far these guys can get with a folksy charismatic puppet.

Unfortunately Don and Palin aren't the real neocons or the real GOP. If it was just them, the rest of us could relax, laugh, and go about our lives.

Green Eagle said...

Original David,

That was a really well put comment. Thanks a lot.

JBW said...

Agreed. Well said, TOD. I'm reduced to tussling with small timers like Don, the Other McCain, William Jacobson, etc because I'm small time myself. Trust me, every time I see Jon Stewart tearing Kristol a new asshole I wish I were the one doing it but Kristol would never waste his time with a minor league blogger like myself because he gains nothing by the effort.