Happy Saint Patrick's Day

"When I raise my flashing sword, and my hand takes hold on judgment, I will take vengeance upon mine enemies, and I will repay those who haze me. Oh, Lord, raise me to Thy right hand and count me among Thy saints." -The Boondock Saints

The Internet: An Observation

I've been getting dozens of hits over the last few days from French and Italian search engines looking for this particular image of elderly Japanese porn stars that I posted back in June 2008 about a Time magazine article discussing the rising popularity of *shudder* elder porn in Japan. I have no idea why this is happening but it's starting to creep me out (and is still doing absolutely nothing to turn me on). I still love the Internet though; this place is crazy weird.

[Update: A thought just occurred to me: perhaps it has something to do with my latest post on pwning the elderly? Or boning the elderly, as it were? This is me, still shuddering...]

Quote For The Day

"It's a long term problem, starting well before Obama took office, and it's going to take long term solutions, and perhaps a little patience, to get the ship righted, again. If Turdblossom sez we need to take The Long View in judging his boss, Bush 43 (perhaps our kids or grandkids will know the "truth" about him), than surely we can give 44 a year or two before making those same kinda snap judgments that Karl said are likely so wrong about the guy who was actually in office when all of this got started... Just something to consider..." -Blogger repsac3, in the comment section of a conservative blog on the current state of the economy

How To Destroy The World With Nanotechnology

I recently borrowed the Michael Crichton novel "Prey" from a buddy, so I'm hoping that this video will put me in the mood to start it. This whole plan sounds like a lot of work but if destroying civilization is what I have to do to be amazing, then I'm in:


(via: Andrew Sullivan)

Geek Cred: Pwning The Elderly, Ctd.

It looks like my "esteemed" colleague William A. Jacobson has now become completely unhinged (those just tuning in can catch up on my exchanges with the old coot by reading this post first). I really expected a little more from a professor of law:

UPDATE No. 2: Someone Get Him A Life

Did you ever meet one of those people who have to have the last word? The people you just can't hang up on, because as you are putting the phone down you hear they still are talking? (Only people of my generation or older would know about that, because the Real World generation never used a real phone.)

So what's his name, you know, the one McCain doused with a Rule 4 shower, has posted something in response to my Update:

Here's some history: according to his Wikipedia page, McCain was born in 1959. I can't find a definite birth date for Jacobson but according to his Cornell bio page he completed his undergraduate degree in 1981. If we assume a standard matriculation period of four years that would also put his date of birth in 1959 as well. I was born in 1974. That means that when Star Wars came out in 1977 McCain and Jacobson were both legally classified as adults, and I was three years old.

Before I digress, please note that proper grammar requires an initial capitalization after a colon. Didn't they teach that to you in your Stanley Kaplan SAT review course?

And you were 3 when Star Wars came out. Did you watch it then, or only when you got Star Wars toys forced upon you? Perhaps you should have played with Legos and learned to build things and use your imagination.

There are boxes full of action figures, an AT-AT imperial walker, several TIE fighters and many other toys I haven't seen for years in a storage facility back in Texas with my name all over them. I had Star Wars curtains in my room as a kid, for Christ's sake.

Someone please get him a childhood.

And talk about being "Pwned" (yes, I had to look it up on Wikipedia, at least I admit to it). I don't stay up late on a Saturday night drafting posts about you, but you posted your latest screed at 11:34 p.m. on Saturday, March 14, 2009, and posted a comment on my blog at 1:47 a.m. the next morning. What's the matter, can't sleep without thinking about me? Nothing better to do on a Saturday night than worry about me? And thanks for linking to my Cornell Law School bio page; are you having it framed and putting it over your computer for inspiration? Someone please get him a life.

And I don't keep checking your SiteMeter like you do mine (don't even think of denying it). But I thought you didn't judge your worth as a blogger based on hits. Hmm, having second thoughts? Call McCain when you get 30,000 visits, if you can remember next year. Someone please get him the conscience of a liberal.

And someone tell him I'm hanging up the phone.

My buddy repsac3 has already fisked this 2nd update from old man Jacobson in the comment section of the post this one continues from, so I may pluck a bon mot or two from him as well. Did you ever meet one of those people who can never admit when they've been proven wrong? People you just can't reason with because they refuse to accept logical arguments that constantly refute their previous assertions and accusations? *sigh* OK, let's do this.

Really, Jacobson? Are you telling everyone that you think cell phones became ubiquitous when you were fifteen, so therefore the "Real World generation" (me, apparently) has never used them? Cell phones weren't even really in widespread use when I was fifteen. I remember in high school a friend's mom had a portable phone: it fit into a carrying case the size of a car battery with a strap on it and weighed around twenty pounds. Two questions: 1) what the hell kind of an insult or point is this guy trying to make with that comment? Is not having ever used a land line (that's what we're all calling them now, not "real phones", dude) something to suddenly be ashamed of? And more importantly 2) why the hard-on for the Real World? Bad roommate experience in college? Let me guess: you were Felix, right? You certainly sound uptight enough. I used an older reference there so as not to confuse you with anything broadcast in this century, guy; you're welcome.

Now you can tell when someone is running out of reasoned arguments and debatable points when they start saying things like "what's his name" and they suddenly become a stickler for proper grammar. This is a blog. I'm not submitting it as my senior thesis. And apparently I had Star Wars toys "forced upon me" as a child and that's how I came to know about the movie. Yeah, because what kid would want to watch an FX packed, shoot 'em up, sci-fi action flick without all of the attendant marketing to entice them first, right? I also apparently have no imagination now and who didn't play with LEGOS when they were a kid? repsac?:

And when did this become a question of anyone's intelligence or imagination? Looks to me like our lawyer friend is trying to change the subject, employing classic ad hominem--the heart of "rule 4," from what I've seen from these clowns--in the process.

But you can see now where his arguments start to flounder as he has pulled these suppositions about how I discovered the movie and my level of imagination out of the same anally-shaped (Oh no, is that even a word? Kaplan, where are you when I need you?!) filing cabinet from which he extracted his earlier definitive claim that I looked up the spelling of "padawan" on Wikipedia. Oops, I almost forgot that I also have no childhood because...to be honest, I have no idea what he's trying to do here. Accusing me now of not having a childhood? So what, I bought all these retro toys on eBay, boxed them up and shipped them to Texas on the off chance that someone would someday accuse me of not having grown up watching Star Wars? To what, cover up the fact that instead of playing with toys and watching movies I worked in a sooty, Dickensian child labor factory as a kid?

And talk about being pwned (sorry Reppy, you got your numbers a bit jumbled here as well but not nearly as badly as Jacobson), let's have a short primer on the movement of celestial bodies and how we as humans measure the passage of time based on these movements, shall we? You see, as the Earth orbits the Sun that fiery orb appears to be in a different position in the sky relative to where any one person is standing on the planet at any one time. In order to keep a relative sense of the passage of time around the world we divide the planet up into 24 different zones all with different relative times; let's call these time zones. Still with me, old man? Cause this is where it gets tricky.

I posted my "latest screed" as he calls it around 5:00 pm PST (the screed being the update to the original post on this topic below; there is no documentable proof of time because it was an update). Now what Jacobson is referring to is not my original update but this follow up post in which I called attention to that update because it had moved further down the page where others might miss it (that's why this one is a new post) and yes, it was indeed at 11:34 pm PST. Now what codgers like Jacobson can easily forget is that Blogger lets you set the time zone from which you are blogging and every time stamp (comments included) on your site are recorded as such. So the comment I posted on his site (in the Eastern time zone) actually posted at 10:47 pm PST, 47 minutes before my follow up post (I wanted to talk some shit to his old ass).

He's right that I don't sleep well but it's not because I can't seem to get a certain wrinkled pentagenarian off my mind, I just have insomnia. And I linked to his bio page because I have this really bad habit of backing up any assertions I make online with this little thing I like to call "evidence". As he lacked a Wiki page like the other McC, I used the next best thing to extrapolate his age and then documented my source; that's something else I like to call "research". It doesn't surprise me that these are foreign concepts to you Jacobson but you must have heard the other more competent lawyers discussing them while you were writing down what everyone wanted for lunch.

And yes, I checked your Site Meter (should I deny that? Nah, better not even think about it; imagine the consequences!). Of course, the only reason I even checked out your meter (does that sound gay?) was because I remembered this specious claim from a little while back on a comment thread by some old guy I'd never heard of at the time when I was having fun teasing my special blog lady:

William A. Jacobson said...

Link to me, I can throw you more traffic than McCain (please don't look at my sitemeter, it's not functioning properly; I really get a lot more traffic, but the vast leftwing conspiracy is playing games with my blog).

Now doesn't that sound suspiciously like, "I swear, this never happens when I'm with other women..."? I just figured that maybe you were trying to be ironic. To his credit, McCain did send hundreds of hits my way when he attempted to talk some shit about yours truly so you can imagine my utter surprise when nothing even close to that happened when you tried to do the same. Hell, I got more hits when my own blogging mentor (he doesn't know he is) linked to me a few days ago than I got from you two old coots combined and that was just an indirect link to give me credit for the site I pointed out to him. Anyway, Reps?:

Sorry... Not only don't we judge our worth by blog hits, we don't even judge your worth by blog hits. A trained monkey can get hits, as RSM so ably proves... Don't mean he can write, though... (I know, Grammerman... It's intentional... Put away your super hero cape.)

I never said that I don't look at my or even other people's Site Meters, just that I don't judge my own self-worth based on those numbers. I mean, what's the point of even having a meter if you never check it? I look at it to see where my hits are coming from when someone else links to me and I look for family and friends; when I see Dallas or San Leandro or Walnut Creek or Redmond or even Birmingham I know who those people are and that they're reading my stuff. If anything I'm more of a digital voyeur than an insecure old man sizing up my own dick (you must feel sick when you watch pornos, huh?).

The last line is great not only because, as repsac3 pointed out, you've already taken another shot at me in an update to another post but also because only a fogey like yourself would think that a phrase like "And someone tell him I'm hanging up the phone"would translate in any way to a back and forth on the Internet. You can't hang up this phone Billy boy because you're not the only one I'm talking to; what you've done here is the online equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and screaming like a child who doesn't want to face reality. And the best part is that everyone reading this on my site and coming here from yours will now know that the dickless lawyer (see how I squeezed two unnecessary insults in there?) just took his little ball and went home.


[Update:I just sprayed my chocolate milk all over my keyboard. I'm seriously:

UPDATE No. 3: He realized his 15 minutes of fame are over.

This is what happens when someone realizes that his 15 minutes of fame are over:

And the best part is that everyone reading this on my site and coming here from yours will now know that the dickless lawyer (see how I squeezed two unnecessary insults in there?) just took his little ball and went home.

And he posts a silly photo-shop of my head on a chicken in front of Cornell Law School -- must have stayed up all night working on that one.

Wow, some people don't even know when they have been played. My post that I was "hanging up the phone" brought out the best in you, as I knew it would. Apparently it always was there, just needed a little prodding to shake loose. Too bad, I was hoping you had a sense of humor. But then again, you do brag that you "supported Barack Obama before it was cool to support Barack Obama" so there is a sense of humor in there somewhere.

Oh no, my fame! I need that to be famous!! I guess that phone was harder to hang up than he thought it would be; maybe arthritis is kicking in (the old fart won't even link to me anymore). But let me just repeat that one line again:

And he posts a silly photo-shop of my head on a chicken in front of Cornell Law School -- must have stayed up all night working on that one.

Maybe I should use one of Jacobson's rhetorical techniques to get this through to his addled brain: Someone under fifty please tell him who's body his head is on in that silly photo-shop. Remember what I said about pop culture, old man? And talk about no sense of humor. How exactly did I get played here? Screw this guy, I'm going home.]

"How My Legs Give Me Superpowers"

I watched this short speech last night and really liked what she had to say:

Athlete, actor and activist Aimee Mullins talks about her prosthetic legs -- she's got a dozen amazing pairs -- and the superpowers they grant her: speed, beauty, an extra 6 inches of height ... Quite simply, she redefines what the body can be...

...A record-breaker at the Paralympic Games in 1996, Aimee Mullins has built a career as a model, actor and activist for women, sports and the next generation of prosthetics.

This speech continues the theme of body modification that this blog has explored for some time now as well as the question of what is and is not fair in the realm of athletic competition as well as in society itself:

Picture Of The Day

Holy Ghostbusters, Batman! See, this is what happens when you cross the streams.

If You Watch Jaws Backwards...

I have watched Memento backwards (it's still fairly confusing) but these are great:

From a thread on Reddit, that said: If you watch the movie Jaws backwards, it's a movie about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they have to open a beach.

Over 1000 comments followed. Here are just a few of my favourites:

If you watch Scarface backwards, it's about a man who gives up cocaine and crime to follow his dream of becoming a dishwasher to earn enough money so he can visit Cuba.

If you watch the Matrix backwards it's about Neo saying 'fuck it' and leaving the resistance to go work in an office.

If you watch Heroes backwards you realise that it's been getting progressively better over time.

If you watch Memento backwards, it's... Um. I forget.

If you watch Fight Club backwards, you see Ed Norton turn from a crazy streetperson into a successful productive member of society.

What is your favorite movie about if you watch it backwards? Mine is about the United States government unpacking the Ark of the Covenant from a non-descript warehouse and then giving it to the Nazis before Indiana Jones buries it in the desert and makes his way to South America to return a golden idol to a jungle temple.

Geek Cred: How Pwned Can One Old Man Get?

My latest back and forth with old man Jacobson continues in the update to the post further down the page, taking up the previous ongoing skirmish where the other McC left it hanging like so much loose, liver-spotted skin. Feel free to head on over to his senior rest center and talk some shit on my behalf if the mood grabs you. Now get off my lawn!

Watchmen Review

So I finally saw Watchmen the other night. What can I say other than: fan-fucking-tastic. And yes, I stand by this review, as opposed to others. I won't waste time going over the extensive plot here (you can read that at the Wikipedia article) and the reason you can do that and know pretty much what you'll get in the theatre is because this film stayed truer to the original source material than almost any other project currently coming out of Hollywood.

The look of the film was taken straight from the graphic novel, at times recreating entire panels from the book down to the smallest detail, and the casting was spot on: from the roughed up visage of the man who played Rorschach to the milquetoast fellow who played Owlman Nite Owl, the characters from the novel came alive onscreen (I have to be honest though: I heard Doctor Manhattan's voice at least half an octave lower in my head, although Crudup did a fair job imparting the character's indifference towards human affairs; and yes, he is naked and swinging some blue pipe in several scenes). My one complaint was the music: it seemed a bit obvious and ham-handed to me. From the use of Dylan's "The Times They are a-Changin" over the opening historical montage to Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" used in the Vietnam battle sequence, the soundtrack felt like it was overreaching and at times all too obvious.

There were a few essential changes from the original story that I disagreed with but I understand why they were made. While Dr. Manhattan does retain his ambivalence about most things human several of his lines from the graphic novel were changed to make his character appear slightly less cold and indifferent and a significant plot point in the ending was exchanged for something that seemed more believable and contemporary but for the most part the movie remains very true to Alan Moore's original vision. I was surprised that they left out Manhattan's explanation for the symbol upon his forehead (it represents a hydrogen atom, something he respects more than the cheesy atom cloud the government PR people try to force on him) but I will say that I was entirely OK with the removal of the pirate novel The Tales of the Black Freighter, the novel within a novel that I found rather tedious to read but a trailer before the movie tells us that it will soon be coming out on DVD if you're interested.

One caveat: when I say that the movie remains true to Moore's original vision I'm not kidding. This is not your standard, watered down, PG-13 comic book movie; it's a movie for adults that seeks to challenge what you think you know about the genre and the world we live in and it does it violently, even gruesomely at times. What I'm saying is do not bring young children to this flick, partly because it's not appropriate for them and partly because I don't want them talking or crying in the same theatre as me when I'm watching it. Take them to see The Pink Panther 2 or the Jonas Brothers 3D Experience, there's no way we'll cross paths at those shows.

On the parody front, we have the Futurama mash-up of the original theatrical trailer (you can watch them side by side at the link), a graphic novelization featuring syndicated comic strip characters in the same vein as Frank Miller's Charlie Brown and a hilarious animated spot portraying the novel as a mid-eighties Saturday morning cartoon (and if you don't know why the line "Rorschach's friends to the animals" is so hilarious you really need to see the flick first). And as I said above, reading the Wikipedia article before you go to the theatre will definitely help you keep the plot straight in your head. I hope you like this one as much as I did.