New Age Aquascam

Full disclosure: I shop at Whole Foods at times and their products are top notch for the most part but this is just silly:

Aquamantra: Premium Natural Spring Water is simply, water that resonates with the energy and frequency of your well-being. The quality of your thoughts determine the quality of your life and NOW your water. We deliver powerful messages to you through the mantras, I AM GRATEFUL™,I AM HEALTHY™, I AM LOVED™ or I AM LUCKY™ .

The thoughts inherent in those words permeate the liquid, influencing the taste and beneficial properties of the water. If you are drinking ‘I am Healthy’ for example, you will resonate with the energy to be healthy. ' I am Loved' will encourage you to feel loved and 'I am Lucky' will encourage you to feel gratitude for your life and how you want to be lucky!

Aquamantra was inspired by a 2004 film, “What the Bleep Do We Know?!” This Movie discussed the underlying quantum mechanics of our world. It showed how reality is changed with every thought. Dr. Masaru Emoto, who was featured in the film, wrote a book called “Hidden Messages in Water,” he showed us the basic principles of quantum theory, whereby the molecular structure of water was changed by a Zen Buddhist monk’s thought. Based on this premise, Aquamantra uses the design on its labels to affect the molecular structure of California natural spring water to make it more refreshing and wholesome to drink.

I watched What the Bleep Do We Know?! while I was stuck on the side of a mountain in a snow storm for eight hours with a buddy, a laptop and this sole DVD waiting for the roads to Tahoe to open back up and I can say unequivocally that it was a bunch of invented new age tripe, as evidenced by Whole Foods' explanation of how their Aquamantra water works:

Its good that you are asking this crucial question...How did we create our water? First, we saw how Dr. Masaru Emoto featured in the film "What the Bleep" did experimentation with water and crystals, and observed how the water looked after he froze his samples. He took a bottle of distilled water and wrote the japanese symbol; the chi of love, taped it to the bottle and left it overnight. The before and after pictures are fascinating and gorgeous.

We tested his theories by labeling purified water with words, and then phrases that inspire to see if the flavor matched the beauty of the images. Sure as day, the flavor of the water changed when we wrote sayings like I am loved, I am passionate, I am healthy, etc.

You think we're kidding? Take a piece of scotch tape and write "I Hate You" on the water, leave it overnight, in the morning take a sip of your "hate" water then take a sip of your regular water. Email us your feedback... we'll anxious to learn your findings. That is precisely how we created Aquamantra. The words actually change the molecular structure of the water, and most definitely changes the flavor of the water to taste deliciously smooth.

That's right, all you have to do is write a message (in one of several languages, apparently; who knew water was a polyglot?) on the bottle and the taste of the water will change in response (this process takes about 8 hours, again apparently) to the negative or positive tone of your message.

Now that we know the process they used to create this inspirational libation my next question is this: why can't I just refill my water bottles with tap water (which I do already; Danville water is some of the best in the country) and label them with positive messages like "I'm the jinkiest!" or "Wow, my cock is huge!" to achieve these same results? Oh wait, I can:

Now you can change your 5 - Gallon of bottled water at home into Aquamantra's I AM LOVED water.
Just put the Label on your 5 -Gallon, pitcher, Brita Filter Container, Sports Bottle or whatever you want... leave it overnight and in the morning drink refreshingly smooth I AM LOVED water. Repeat the mantra with every delicious sip and experience the flavor of 100% pure thought. These stickers are re-usable up to 2 - 3 times.

Cost: $5.00 plus $1.25 shipping and handling ( per order )

But it seems that the positive invocation will only work if you purchase the official Aquamantra labels from Whole Foods, and only 2-3 times at that. But what about the scotch tape example cited above? Does the tape only work once? And if I'm paying for them, isn't there some way to improve the manufacturing process (which seems to consist merely of printing ink on to a sticker) to make them last longer? Does overuse permanently leech the positivity out of the plastic and glue or can I still get some taste benefits by using old labels?

Now let me posit another, more likely explanation for all of these seeming disparities in their advertising: this product is straight up, 100% bullshit. This is an actual, publicly traded company! Whole Foods is a corporate creation that dismantles local food webs, not a "green" company that promotes the organic food movement. Since religion has cornered the market on "holy water" and the American public is (hopefully) too smart to fall outright for a product labeled "magic water", Aquamantra decided to incorporate ephemeral, new age attributes into their marketing campaign to take advantage of some of the more scatterbrained granola eaters that frequent your local Whole Foods stores. Way to cash in that karma, guys.