Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Robert Stacy McCain Really Doesn't Like Me...

Just when Suzanna Logan and I have agreed to be friends and play nice together her lipless mentor Robert Stacy McCain decides to unleash on yours truly:

How Not to Get a Million Hits On Your Blog, And Not Score With Hotties. Ever.

First, accuse Suzanna Logan of being a homophobe.

Next, try to walk it back when you belatedly realize she's hot.

Then, jump into her comments like you're completely obsessed with her.

Finally, do a roundup post, displaying to the world that you've spent your entire day making a complete fool of yourself. Oh, and along the way, be sure to call her "sweettits" and include a lame Photoshop of you with her.

When you're through doing that, go to a Castro Street glory hole, offering up your rump to complete strangers, while bragging that you've got more than 25,000 hits on your blog in the past 13 months.

Losers. They're born that way.
You can read an updated wrap up of the back and forth here. This guy is hilarious. I've been laughing my ass off for the past 24 hours about this entire thing (I sincerely hope that Suzanna has as well) but the other McC decided that he would rather instead take it way too seriously and go all old man apeshit on me.

Now in my defense I never accused Suzanna of being a homophobe, just that her joke about "queers" wasn't that funny. I then "walked it back" as a joke because I found out that she was a serious hottie (something tells me that this guy probably doesn't get many jokes, or hotties for that matter). I apparently "jumped into her comments" by leaving two whole messages on her site and she has done the same on mine. I don't know if my "roundup post" necessarily makes me look like a fool but in deference to her stated aversion to "pumpkin" (I really was running out of epithets and I had to replace baby because I didn't want to be repetitive with "babydoll") I did indeed call her "Sweettits" (she prefers the conjoined spelling "Sweetits" which I will use from now on because I'm a gentleman) but I think the Photoshopped picture was funny and looks pretty good.

Now at this point I'm not exactly sure why he's imagining me shopping my sweet ass around the Castro. It could be because I live in the Bay Area or because I support gay rights but I would assume that the more likely reason is that when many conservatives/Republicans enter into any discussion involving homosexuality their thoughts seem to immediately wander to images and scenarios of guys taking it in the ass. To many people like McCain gay issues equals butt sex, and this guy definitely appears to have butt sex on the brain. Oh, and of course I suck because my little blog isn't popular enough; he apparently measures his penis using blog hits.

Until very recently this guy was an assistant national editor for The Washington Times, he actually writes for a living, and since this all started rather than offer up any pithy rejoinders or stinging intellectual barbs he has instead called me an "idiot", a "liberal idiot", an "idiot liberal guy", a "fool", a "loser", "Little Mister Loser", and perhaps most egregiously, "Jimmie". Rather eloquent, isn't he? I can only assume that the phrase "foolish liberal idiot loser guy poopypants" was just a tad too mentally taxing for him to string together. Suzanna, if you are indeed this brain donor's protege you must have brought the vast majority of your talent and skills with you because I fail to see what you could have possibly learned from the talentless hack.

[Update: The lipless wonder has mentioned me again in a post referencing my conservative counterpart's invocation of my name in which Don answers my persistent question about whether he would still oppose equal marriage rights if his own children turn out to be gay (oh yes, he would). I'm still "Little Mister Loser" but I'm also a "young punk" this time as well (man, this guy has range!) and he makes mention of a "miserable faggot" at the end of the post but I don't think he was talking about me (the post was about how gays can't get married because God totally said so a long time ago).

This feels like it's turning into the blogging equivalent of an old man shaking his fist whilst yelling at me about being on his lawn. And dude, it's Brain. Rage. Two words: Brain Rage. George M. Cohen would not approve.]

[Update II: I've now graduated to the level of "masochist", "infamous poofter" (McC's butt sex fetish still thrives) and a "punk" again. Quarterback punk would have been better (and if you get that one, props!) but I am apparently in the midst of being "punk-smacked", a process that appears to consist entirely of an old man calling me names while he soils his Depends in glee. Oh, and he's now measuring my cock using blog hits as well. Have I mentioned that this guy is a professional writer? And at least mention the name of the site after I corrected you in the last update, other McC. The bifocals are right there in your pocket, use 'em. But hurry up now because it's almost time for the Early Bird at Country Kitchen Buffet.]


Intrepid Californio said...

So you engage in online internet banter with hottie (female) intellectuals, therefor you are gay. That's yir theory? And besides, what chic doesn't like to be called sweettits? Piggish yet charming. 007 would be proud.

JBW said...

Beautifully fuckin illustrated. And yes, I picked up more than just how to use a jet pack watching all those Bond flicks lo these many years. Sweetits Conservative is just as good as Pussy Galore, right?

repsac3 said...

I was noticing that whole "measuring the size of the cock" thing last night. I suppose it's the blogging equivalent of the midlife sports car... ...or the trophy twenty-something "protege," perhaps.

Kind of an "I'm fat and I'm bald, but my fast, or expensive, (& often both) car &/or the fact that this young woman is willing to have anything to do with me (which also often involves speed, money, or both) makes me think I've still got it, baby." sort of thing. If only they realized how short that reach is, and how shallow the people it impresses are, anyway.

Yes, McFly has a whole lotta hits, which does seem to make him feel like he's swingin' Roosevelt's big stick (if only he'd have the grace to walk softly, too), and yes, it apparently does impress the easily impressed--though to be fair, Donald pretty much started out an amateur blog whore, and always has had these visions of high counter numbers as a measure of one's worth. He used to go around to as many blogs as possible, leaving inane single line comments that may or may not've had anything in the slightest to do with the post to which he affixed them, followed by his blog link--either not realizing or not caring that one could easily find his blog by clicking on his name... [In this example, he was on topic, but if I looked hard enough, I'm sure I could find one or two where he wasn't...] In any case, this is nothing new... McFly's just showin' him how it's done.

JBW said...

At the behest of some frineds I briefly experimented with trying to spread my blog seed around the Interwebs last October and a quick perusal of my Sitemeter account that the other McC has been pawing at recently will indeed show that my hits increased by almost an order of magnitude that month.

It was also extremely time consuming, I was banned from a few sites for off-topic commenting and I really did feel like a narcissistic whore. I do this because I enjoy it, I don't expect to become rich or a celebrity as a result.

I agree with you on the mid-life crisis comparisons. It would not surprise me in the least if McCain and Don are trying to compensate for a lack of personal confidence or some other short(*ahem*)comings in their lives by reveling in their hit counts.

And my purported obsession with Sweetits aside (I would characterize it as more of a harmless and entertaining infatuation), she already gets more hits than I do and her site is only just in its infancy. Of course, I didn't come into the game with a cadre of link-happy sycophants following me around either.

That said, I do readily admit that I'm only human and am also a sucker for compliments and appeals to my intellectual vanity, I just don't rely on them exclusively to fuel my own self-worth. Also, thanks again for having my back over the last few days, Reppy. I knew I was right to defend you all this time over at Don's place.

Anonymous said...

Blog whoring? You want Blog whoring? I'll show you Blog whoring.

Fuck! I won't get a million hits if I live be 100.

Anonymous said...

I didn't come into the game with a cadre of link-happy sycophants following me around either.

Well, that and you don't have sweet tits.

JoeBama "Truth 101" Kelly said...

Getting loads of hits at a right wing blog is easy. Read their comments. These nuts trip all over themselves to kiss each others ass.

"Great post Donald"

JBW said...

Thanks for the show of solidarity, amigo. And yes, the thumbnail only makes it more intriguing, then subsequently disturbing.

And I have on occasion gotten compliments on my chest when I was actually in decent shape but I'd wager that Sweetits draws many more.

Anonymous said...

I got four words for you:

Utah, get me two.

Now get back to Castro with that sweet ass of yours.

JBW said...

I knew I could count on you, Agent Pappas. Hope everything is going well in the Soggy City; kiss your ladies for me. I'll be right back with those sandwiches.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with the Californio. Sweetits beats the hell out of...Wonkytits or something. But being in Cali you probably see plenty of wonkytits, so you know that already.
One more thing. Do you remember in kindergarten when you reallyreallyreally liked a girl, and how you would pull her hair or say she had cooties? I'm starting to think that this McStain guy just might be sweet on you. Just sayin'.

JBW said...

Now I'm worried, Anonymous. T101 already thinks that Don has a man crush on me and now this business with other McC and his incessent talk of buggery.

All I wanted was to catch Sweetits' pretty eye...

Anonymous said...

Is it wrong that I find this all to be strangely erotic? All this talk about glory holes, rumps being offered up to strangers, sucking, cock measuring - McStain measuring his, then measuring yours, sweet tits, ass kissing..

I have got to get a life. Or a blog.

Welcome to Seaworld, kid.

JBW said...

Loved the Sea World line Anonymous, mad movie props. But if you start talking about your "blowhole" I'm out.

Sign up with Blogger and get a screen name so the rest of us will know what to call you next time.