Monday, March 2, 2009

I Am Once Again A Guest Blogger

It seems that those godless believe-nothings at American Nihlist have once again poached one of my late-night, Chardonnay-fueled rants left on my conservative counterpart's site American Power. I've reproduced the post below with newly added hyperlinks to better explain some of the more inside political and blog-centric jokes:

In the grand nihilist tradition of stealing from the rich (in this case, the intellectually & verbally rich) and giving to the poor (not that we ignorant nihilist trolls here are intellectually or verbally poor exactly, but...), I present another JBW offering that he accidentally posted somewhere other than it's natural habitat, here at AmNi.

This might be a good time to remind the esteemed author of Brain Rage that he's more than welcome to join us here at AmNi, where he can post such things more... "...willingly," should any others ever rattle his proverbial Brain Rage cage. (His writing is generally top notch... But when his balls itch in that particularly nihilistic way... I think you know what I'm sayin', here...)

Attention neocons, Christian conservatives, Republicans and others who would foolishly resist that which Allah, Pelosi and the guys from that Queer Eye show hath wrought! Emperor Obama has once again transmitted a new list of commandments to myself and the other members of the Nihilistic Obamania Terrorist-appeasing Socialist Idolator (or N.O.T.S.I.; catchy, huh?) Brigade via telepathy. Yeah that's right, it's one of his powers now; he went all Syler on some medicine man in Nairobi a while back when he was there rehiding his super-secret and totally real original birth certificate. Good luck finding it now, suckers!

But for the immediate future cower before our liberal, then progressive for a while, then liberal again and now totally radical might! Your magical ability to successfully identify everyone with whom you disagree as a "socialist" or "postmodern nihilist" simply by having heard of these ideologies notwithstanding, the following decrees are to be enacted immediately:

-Recognizing that Democraticic (there will now be two "ic"s in the spelling of the Democraticic Party) "big government spendathons" are not nearly big enough to truly destroy our economy His Oneness has instructed that the thousands of gold statues of himself to be installed at the center of every city and town in America by the National Endowment for the Arts will now be constructed of solid cash (and then dipped in gold). Also, the word endowment will now be emphasised in that agencies name because he's a black guy (and if you laugh at that you're a dirty, stinking racist). But seriously: swinging to his knees.

-"Anything goes free-love values" are not only to be the norm from now on in the social sphere (which will be geometrically changed to a long thick social column, per the fine print in the last decree) but Bristol Palin will also now be in charge of the country's sex-ed programs (He's all about bipartisanship), instituting her "Stuff Happens" agenda with the aid of her inbred-but-lovable boyfriend and baby daddy, Levi. Also, all moose-on-buffalo love will be roundly encouraged as it acclimates the population to the eventual goals of The Onester's gay marriage agenda (the policy of diddling little boys currently being carried out by Catholic priests will also stay in place for these same reasons). How Santorum got ahold of that memo ahead of time is still a mystery.

-The current Democraticic Party's "terrorist appeasement" policy does not sufficiently endanger America and its citizens so from here on out not only will people who we totally know are terrorists be given immediate sanctuary and full immunity from prosecution but they will also be given an hour-long hot stone massage, a Vera Wang-designed Oscar gift bag and their choice of one target indicative and symbolic of "traditional" American values to crash a 747 or a plane of lesser size into. Keep your heads down.

-Lastly, to symbolically preempt any debates about America being a "center-right nation" all males are now required to wear their genitalia down their left boxer short leg as a reminder of Emperor Obama's extreme awesomeness. Briefs are now outlawed since decreased sperm production will just mean fewer unwanted teen pregnancies, per the fine print in the "Stuff Happens" legislation. Plus, abortionists gotta make their money too.

This will be the only time you will receive these instructions. Failure to comply will result in a decidedly non-honor beheading by a very dull and rusty sword swung by a gay vegetarian with a nervous tick; it won't be pretty. The recent attack on Phyllis Schlafly's hip during her visit to Berkeley was carried out as a warning to the rest of you non-non-believers and will be repeated as often as is necessary. She knows what she did.

The One-World, black helicopters are coming (once you're all in the camps they will be repainted with rainbows, of course). The "statist mandarins who have mainstreamed Marx's theories of class struggle into a hip postmodern ideology of anti-American multiculturalism and social-leveling big government" are gonna be all up in your collective grills. This is the change we've been waiting for! Obama! Nihilism! Wooo!

P.S.-The first run of Emperor Obama's new book: To Serve Babies will be coming out in stores this week. He'll be autographing copies at the West War Memorial Drive Borders book store in Peoria, Illinois this Friday from 6-9 pm. Bring the kids. The juicy, succulent kids. Nihilism! Eatin' babies! Wooo!

"Borrowed" from: N.O.T.S.I. Decree, posted March 2, 2009 2:59 AM (AmPow time)
Again, I'm not holding my breath that Don will have anything to say about my liberal taunts. And again, I'm flattered that repsac3 has chosen to steal my stuff for his AmPo-taunting site. I may still join the motley crew at AmNi but to be honest I don't really plan these little outbursts; they usually just happen as a random yet direct result of Napa Valley. If only I could harness my powers to do good...


Anonymous said...

Very nice rant, JBW. I'm going to have to give up the pinot noir and take up chardonnay.

JBW said...

As I said in the comments at AmNi DLB, Pinot Noir works just as well as Chardonnay. The key is timing your writing correctly with your rate of consumption.

cracker said...

Feh....vino fuel is academic kid stuff

Begin with brandy, grasshopper....

your writings will twirl in mellifluous grandeur.

and all will be well

JBW said...

Brandy's a little too sweet for me, sensei. I'd really like to try writing on some old school Absinthe like the big boys used to. Talk about inspiration...

JoeBama "Truth 101" Kelly said...

I gotta start drinking wine man. Seven beers and the best I could do was "Hussein.The Depraved Vermin101." It got me three times as many hits at my site. But it also got me deleted at a few others. Then my brother made me go back to TRuth101 anyway. Nihilisming ain't easy.

JBW said...

Thanks jesus (or Margaret, if you prefer), I appreciate the praise. Please feel free to participate in the conversation as the mood strikes you.